You Could Be Happy
by alphaIdiot
Summary: "He didn't feel like there was anything left to say, his cards were on the table, Tavros' had been laid out long ago. Gamzee just kept wishing he had a joker slipped up his sleeve, only waiting for it to be played." Homestuck AU based off of the song You Could Be Happy by Snow Patrol.


_**A/N:  
**This is based off of the song "You Could Be Happy" by Snow Patrol. I love it so much and I saw this video.. It was a GamTav comic and I just.. My Otp just punched from it. And I wrote a drabble based on the song because fuck everything. It's Sadstuck so.. Yeah. It also helped me over-come my writers block! This is the reason I managed to post a new chapter it TMLOB (The Mating Life Of Bees) today so yayyy! But yeah, I'm tempted to do the second half from Tav's perspective, but I don't know.. I may just save that for if I have any more writers block and what-nots. So for now, enjoy and my PB&J feels. :3  
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_**You could be happy and I won't know**_

"Gamzee? Why're you crying.." His voice was hushed and worried, his hand reaching out to cup the tall man's cheek in confusion, turn it upwards to look at him in a questioning way. The man didn't feel tall though. Instead, he felt small as ever, small and broken and hollow. He had a feeling this day would come, but he had always hoped it wouldn't happen under such.. Sudden circumstances. His voice cracked, his shoulders shaking lightly. He didn't want to cry. He shouldn't be, he should be happy for Tavros.

"I-I'm just all up and filled with so much happiness Tavbro.." Gamzee said, forcing one of his wide grins on his face. He hated lying to Tavros, he couldn't stand it really. "All just comes spillin out.. I'm thrilled for a motherfucker." He said softly, daring to wipe at his cheek. His makeup had smeared a little, but he couldn't care less if he looked a mess at the moment.

Tavros smiled back at him, though his concern still shone through it, keeping his palm pressed against his cheek. It was almost like he knew how Gamzee felt, that just cupping his face for these few short moments would do him good. Gamzee leaned into the touch, closing his eyes and letting out a soft, shaking breath. A thumb dared to run across his high, defined cheekbones.

"Gamzee.. I.." Tavros started, before a ringing from his pocket startled him. His hand quickly tugged away from Gamzee's face as he dug about in his jeans before he pulled out a phone in a panicked rush. "H-hello..?"

"Oh, hey babe.. Uh.. Yeah. Y-yeah, okay, okay.. " He had a nervous tone in his voice. It was obvious who it was calling him, Gamzee started to stand. He should probably give him his privacy? This was also an excuse for him to abscond, not have to hear any more about all of this. "..Okay, okay.. I'll be there soon, okay? I love you." Tavros finished the call quickly, hanging up right after the words left his mouth. He hadn't waited for a response..

"Gamzee? Where are you going?" Tavros stood, reaching forward and grabbing his wrist. They stood in silence for a moment, Gamzee trying not to start yelling, confessing, saying anything he might regret.

"A brother's just gotta up and do something.." He muttered under his breath, staring down at the ground. Tavros just stepped close to him, trying to coax him into turning around by tugging at his wrist. Then at his shoulder. Figuring Gamzee wouldn't turn around, Tavros just stepped in front of him.

"Gamzee, why are you being like this." Tavros said, frustration obvious in his voice. Gamzee just shook his head, trying to hide his face from Tavros. Keeping his head bowed, he didn't respond. "I thought you would be happy. But instead you're acting like I just told you your mom died, why are you acting like this."

"I am happy for you, Tavbro.."

"Well you aren't acting like you are. " Tavros snapped at him. He had changed since the two of them had started to date. He grew impatient quickly, and was no longer as shy about showing it, especially around Gamzee.

"Well maybe you all up and missed something important a brother was trying to get across all this time." Gamzee muttered. Tavros was silent for a while, neither of them moving. Gamzee was scared to look up. He was scared about whether he would be faced with Tavros' realization, or his confusion, and he wasn't sure he wanted him to know. He wasn't sure if he wanted to take back what he said.

**_But you weren't happy the day I watched you go_**

"I.. I have to go.." Tavros whispered out. Gamzee looked up at him, his head shaking as he turned to walk away, back to her most likely. And he hated that fact. "Vris is waiting for me.. We have things to plan, you know?"

"Yeah.. Yeah I motherfucking know.." Gamzee muttered under his breath. He was tempted, oh so tempted, to say it. Say those three little words that would bring the walls crumbling down, toppling everything and anything that had considered itself safe. Ruining everything.

"I'll.. Talk to you later then.." Tavros muttered, a frown obvious on his face. Gamzee hated it when Tavros frowned, especially when it was his fault. Wincing, he grit his teeth down at the ground. He couldn't. Shouldn't. But he felt he had to..

"Tavros.." He started in a bit of a hushed voice. He paused, turning slightly so that he could see the tall man. He didn't respond, just waited for him to continue talking. Coughing softly, Gamzee cleared his throat. Each breath he took felt thick, his heart pounding in his chest. Don't say it..

"I love you, Tavros." The room was silent, Gamzee's eyes wide as he stared down at the floor. The lack of a response is what scared him the most. He wasn't sure what he had been wanting, what he was hoping Tavros would say. After what felt like a decade, he managed an upward glance. He could feel the tears swelling up in his eyes when he saw his expression.

Anger. Pain. Frustration even, Tavros was making no move to hide it. He looked like he was about to punch Gamzee.

"Why would you say that.." He muttered through clenched teeth, his eyes squeezed tight. "Why would you say that, now of all times."

"I-I just.. " Gamzee stuttered out, reaching a hand up to tug at his hair. "I'm sorry.." He whispered to him, reaching out to press his hand to Tavros' cheek. He stepped away from it, turning his back to Gamzee.

"Why didn't you tell me this before.." He muttered. "Why couldn't you have told me this when we were both 16, and I was actually thinking about this kind of thing?! Why couldn't you have said it then, Gamzee?!" He was yelling, fists clenched as he pressed one to his forehead. "Why couldn't you have just said it when it would have meant more?! Why couldn't you.. Why.." His voice faded off, falling into deep breaths.

Without another word, he strode out of Gamzee's apartment. And just as he had thought things would, Gamzee could feel the walls crumbling around him.

**_And all the things that I wished I had not said, are played in loops 'till it's madness in my head_**

Gamzee remained on the couch, not even trying to hold back his tears. He was an idiot, or at least, he felt like one. He felt he'd loved Tavros ever since they had met, which had been many years ago. When they were both 6, and Gamzee could manage to convince Tavros to hold his hand while they sat on the playground and talked about Power Rangers and Pokemon, that was when he knew. He hadn't fully understood love back then, but the feeling in his gut never let up. His urge to always be with Tavros, make sure he was never frowning, never crying, just always happy and grinning never ceased. He just wanted to hold him close and whisper in his ear, kiss his cheek. The feeling only grew stronger the more they aged, and Gamzee slowly started to hate himself for it.

"I love you"

"I'm sorry.."

"Well maybe you all up and missed something important a brother was trying to get across all this time."

Each time he thought of what he said, he wanted to punch himself. He wanted to scratch and claw and hit himself, beat himself senseless.

"How could I be so motherfucking stupid?!" He yelled, curling up tighter on the couch and burying his face in the purple polka-dotted pattern of his sweat pants, his legs drawn tight against his chest. His makeup was a wreck, streaked from tears, smeared from his pants and hands rubbing against it, removed from the nails that scratched at his skin.

Soon hours turned to days, and days to weeks. Barely leaving his apartment, he refused to answer his phone for anyone but Karkat, who soon grew impatient with him. Even Tavros had tried to contact the sorrowful man, but he refused to talk to his unrequited lover. He didn't feel like there was anything left to say, his cards were on the table, Tavros' had been laid out long ago. Gamzee just kept wishing he had a joker slipped up his sleeve, only waiting for it to be played.

_**Is it too late to remind you how we were, but not our last days of silence, screaming, blur**_

It's a few days before the wedding, and Tavros couldn't be happier. At least, that's what Karkat had told Gamzee. It's been 6 months since Gamzee had confessed to Tavros, the lasting thing he ever said to him being a soft, genuine "I'm sorry.." Karkat had tried to coax Gamzee into going with them to Tavros' bachelor party, but he couldn't bring himself to go. He couldn't bring himself to see him, he didn't trust himself. Especially if he was drunk.

"Gamzee, for fucks sake, come on. It'll be fun." Karkat grumbled to Gamzee as he paced about his apartment, his fingers thrumming over the keys of his phone. "Tavros has been wanting to see you, you know.." He said softly. "He misses you.." Gamzee winced, turning away from his friend and rubbing at his right eye.

"Karbro, you up and know why I can't see him.." Gamzee muttered under his breath, not really wanting to talk. "I already promised I'd get my ass to his motherfucking wedding." He didn't want to go. He wanted to see him happy, but he didn't want to see him happy with her. He wanted to hear him confess his love, but not to her. Not to that bitch.

"Shit, Gamzee, are you okay?" Karkat asked him, flopping down next to him on the sofa and grabbing his shoulder. Gamzee just shook his head, hunching over his knees and burying his face in his hands. He could feel arms circling his indentation of a waist, a head pressed to his shoulder. "It'll be okay, man.." Karkat muttered softly.

"No it's not, I lost him!" Gamzee yelled at the floor, his hands still pressed to his cheeks. "He even told me that, he motherfucking told me I up and missed my chance, he's gone now.." His words faded off into a whimper, Karkat hugging him tighter. He didn't say anything, instead he just held him, shooshing him softly every time he tried to speak. Stroking his head, Karkat tugged his face from his hands and looked at him.

"Gamzee.." He muttered, frowning. He pulled him into a tight hug, pressing his mess of a face into his shoulder. He didn't care about the paint that was getting on the maroon surface, only focusing on stroking Gamzee's hair, rubbing his back reassuringly. After 10 or so minutes of this, Karkat had to pull Gamzee off of him, apologizing when he said he had to go. Gamzee simply nodded to him, returning his gaze to the floor.

_**Most of what I remember makes me sure, I should have stopped you from walking out the door**_

There was a thundering roar of cheers, clapping, and catcalls so loud Gamzee could have sworn the whole church was shaking. He put on a smile for them, clapping and grinning at Tavros after he had finished his first, long kiss with his new bride, watching Tavros turn to look at him. He simply smiled in an almost bittersweet way, before he turned back to Vriska. She had the biggest smile plastered onto her face, both of her hands still gripping Tavros', though now one was adorned by both a diamond studded silver ring, as well as the new, shining gold band, matching the one on Tavros' delicate, long fingers.

Gamzee hadn't put paint on that morning. He felt naked and bare without it, like his emotions were just seeping from his face. He had to try and mask it though, for his sake at least. Karkat didn't say anything to him about it, and was shocked when Gamzee entered the church with a clean, pale face. It was delicate, smooth, and Gamzee wouldn't deny the fact that he was attractive. That was just never something he found important, so he found no shame in covering his looks up. Tavros had seemed surprised as well, though Gamzee was set on the thought that he had showed up at all.

It wouldn't have been the first time Tavros had seen Gamzee without his makeup on. The two of them had countless sleepovers throughout the years, and Gamzee would never sleep with the greasy substance on his face if he could help it. Everyone else tried to tell him that it was because of how he looked without his makeup, but Gamzee knew..

The roaring laughter of everyone in the church snapped Gamzee back from his memories. Tavros had picked Vriska up, now carrying her down the isle bridal style to the doorway. Gamzee sighed as people started to file out after the pair, headed off to the reception. It was supposed to be in a fancy hotel's ballroom fifteen minutes from here, with a large cake and a live band, all thanks to Vriska's mother and her wealth. They couldn't have it in the church given how small it was, they wouldn't have room for a reception as large as the one they had planned.

"Gamzee..?"

"Hey Best Friend.." Gamzee muttered to Karkat, as the stout man walked over to him. The last few people were leaving the church now, Karkat and Gamzee being the only ones not heading for the door.

"You okay?" Karkat asked him softly, cocking his head to the side. He always tried to be as caring as possible around Gamzee, especially when it was evident that he was upset. Gamzee just nodded to him, turning and running a hand over the smooth, dark brown back of one of the church pews. "Gamzee.."

"I'm fine, Karbro.." Gamzee muttered to him, not meeting his eyes. "Should get your ass moving man, don't want you to up and miss the reception.." He nodded towards the doorway. Karkat just shook his head, letting out a sigh.

"Not without you."

"Best friend..

"Gamzee, I'm no-"

"Karkat." Gamzee's voice was stern, as he managed to raise his head and gaze at him. "Go ahead. I kinda wanted to get my chill on for a bit.." Gamzee muttered, his voice starting to fade as he dropped his head again. "Might all up and make my way down there soon, man.." His voice was distance, his thoughts starting to get the best of him. Letting out a sigh of defeat, Karkat nodded to him.

"O-okay.." He muttered softly, pulling his tall friend into a tight hug. Gamzee didn't hesitate to hug him back, wrapping his lanky arms around his shoulders and holding him close to his chest. Karkat's forehead just managed to bump Gamzee's collarbone. It always amused Gamzee, how short Karkat was compared to his monstrous height of 6'4''.

"So short, Karkles.." Gamzee muttered, ruffling the hair on the crown of his head lightly. Karkat just snorted, leaning away from his hand and dropping his arms from Gamzee's torso. In turn, Gamzee dropped his own long limbs, giving Karkat one final wave and a goodbye before he was left alone in the chapel. Left to his own thoughts, Gamzee slowly started to walk about the interior of the church, winding his way through the long isles of benches and even managing his way into the balcony at one point. He ended in front of the alter, standing where the person he loved had stood only an hour or so ago. Closing his eyes, he could almost picture how he wanted things to happen.

A wide smile, freckles coating the olive skin. Large, chocolate brown eyes , a soft tint of pink coating his cheeks. Hands clasped in Gamzee's like they had been when they were only 6 and had no cares in the world. He could hear the clapping, much like before. Feeling the way that Tavros was shaking lightly with anticipation as Gamzee leaned down and pressed his lips against his for a soft, chaste kiss, daring to dip him in the slightest bit as well. Holding his hand tight as he walked him down the isle, before growing impatient halfway and picking him up. Kissing him once more before escaping the church and opening the door to their new lives.

Gamzee knew his eyes were watering at the thought, but he didn't want his day dream to end. It all felt so real to him, so real and lifelike, he could feel his skin, his lips, his hands. Hear his voice and the laughs and applauding from his friends. Smell his sweet scent, his cologne, the red rose that would be sticking out of his jacket pocket. Gamzee grinned at the images flashing in his mind, at how much he seemed to beg with whatever God there was that they could be real.

Raising a hand, he drew the black, rough sleeve of his blazer over his cheek, wiping away some of the tears that had gathered on his high cheek bones. Opening his eyes, he let out a shaking breath, that grin still cracking a line through his delicate face. More tears fell lightly, some rolling down to his chin and dripping off of the sharp edge, others sticking to his pale flesh. His shoulders shook lightly, realization clouding his mind as he stood there with that image in his head. That damn image of Tavros standing before him, white suit making his tanned skin stand out, those freckles that doused his cheeks scrunched just from the sheer bend of his grin.

"I love you Tavros.." Gamzee muttered, closing his eyes for a moments. The sound was just there, just barely out of reach. That soft response to his words that he'd been waiting to hear his whole life. He had wanted to interrupt the ceremony, beg Tavros for a chance, he didn't want to hold his peace. He wanted to hold him. He wanted to chase him down the isle, stop him from leave. Smile still on his face, Gamzee let out a slightly choked gasp.

"Stay happy, brother.."


End file.
